


A Wingman's Guide to Love

by Quidditchdilla



Category: Cats - Andrew Lloyd Webber
Genre: M/M, Other cats have brief appearances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:53:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27234529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quidditchdilla/pseuds/Quidditchdilla
Summary: When Munkustrap stumbles across Alonzo practicing to ask another cat on a date, he decides to help his friend out.  Alonzo wishes Munkustrap wouldn't, especially since the cat Alonzo wants ask out is Munkustrap himself.
Relationships: Alonzo/Munkustrap (Cats)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	A Wingman's Guide to Love

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Did It Hurt When You Fell From Heaven?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24881077) by [OnTheFritz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnTheFritz/pseuds/OnTheFritz). 



> This story was inspired by the fanfic 'Did It Hurt When You Fell From Heaven?' by OnTheFritz. You should check that story out if you haven't already.
> 
> This is the first fanfic I have written in the past 10 years. I hope people like it.

It was early afternoon on a bright, sunny, and very hot day. Most of the cats were enjoying a long nap.

Munkustrap was looking forward to taking a nap of his own at his human house. The thought of curling up in his favorite spot, where both the warm sun and the cool air from the air conditioning vent hit to create the perfect temperature, was making him rather tired. There hadn't been any trouble in the junkyard lately, so he might even be able to nap for a few hours before returning. He just had to finish this one last patrol of the yard.

"There must be something wrong with my eyes. I can't take them off you."

Munksutrap looked around at the words. He had thought everyone else was asleep. 

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put I and U together."

That was Alonzo's voice. Where was he?

" I must be in a museum because you are truly a work of art."

Munkustrap was becoming hesitant to locate Alonzo. It was clear that Alonzo was talking to someone and it sounded like he was flirting. He was probably with Cassandra. Munkustrap didn't want to interrupt them.

"Hey there, can you spare a few minutes for me to hit on you?"

Why wasn't Cassandra answering? By now it was clear that they were in a rarely used clearing of the junkyard and Munkustrap figured it couldn't hurt to just check and make sure they were alright. Then he would leave and take that nap.

Munkustrap climbed over an old refrigerator and was able to look through a gap between two old couches. There was Alonzo, sitting by himself staring at a piece of paper in his hands. He was alone and talking to himself. He looked frustrated.

Munkustrap couldn't in good conscience go take a nap when his best friend might need help. He approached, purposely making small amounts of noise so he wouldn't startle Alonzo.

"Alonzo. Is everything alright? What are you doing all the way out here?"

Despite Munkustrap's best efforts, Alonzo was clearly startled. "Munkustrap! What are you doing here?"

Alonzo was panicked. Of all the cats to find him working on his pick-up lines, why did it have to be the one cat he was practicing his pick-up lines for. 

"I was finishing up a patrol. I thought I heard you talking to someone," Munkustrap said.

"Uh, nothing. I was talking to nothing, I mean, no one."

"Oh," Munkustrap looked at the paper in Alonzo's paws. "Are you practicing for a play?"

"Yes! Yes, that's right, I'm practicing for a play," Alonzo said. "For the Ball." He immediately regretted that last part. Munkustrap knew everything on the agenda for the Ball and would definitely be suspicious. 

"It's supposed to be a surprise," Alonzo continued, trying to head off any further questions.

"You know I don't like surprises when it comes to the Ball. After last year's, I don't want another Ball going off the rails."

"Yes, I know."

"Can I see the script?"

Alonzo hesitated. "No...but I can tell you what it's about?"

Munkustrap made an acknowledging sound and waiting.

"It's about romance."

After a long pause, Munukstrap prompted Alonzo to keep going.

"Uh, there's this cat who wants to...dance. Yes, he wants to dance with another cat, but doesn't know if this other cat likes him back."

"Alright, Alonzo, I think I know what's going on here," said Munkustrap. "You're trying out some pick-up lines so you can ask someone to attend the Ball with you." A date was never required to attend the Ball and most cats did not specifically go with anyone unless they were officially mates, but asking a cat to the Ball was often the prelude to a serious relationship.

Alonzo seemed slightly embarrassed, but nodded affirmatively.

"Well, let's hear it then. Give me your best line."

"Okay," Alonzo fumbled with the papers in his hand, paging through them until he settled on: "If you were a vegetable, you would be a cute-cumber."

"Um, okay. Maybe try another."

"Was your dad a boxer? Because you're a knockout."

"Well, that was better, I guess. Give me another."

"Kiss me if I'm wrong, but the earth is flat, right?"

Munksutrap unsuccessfully tried to turn a laugh into a cough. "That one was pretty good; kind of funny. I actually liked it."

"You did?"

"Yes, if you said that to me, it might make me consider kissing you. Do you have any others?"

"Munkustrap, kiss me if I'm wrong, but the earth is flat, right?"

"You just said that one," Munkustrap laughed for real this time. "You know what, I'm going to help you. I'll talk to Cassandra and bring up how good of a dancer you are. I'm sure she just doesn't know you're interested in her."

"Wait, Munkustrap, you don't have to do that."

"Alonzo, I want to help you. Don't worry. I'll be subtle about it. She'll be begging to dance with you at the Ball. Well, maybe not begging, Cassandra probably isn't going to beg, but she'll want to dance with you for sure." 

A loud outbreak of giggles erupted from the main part of the junkyard, followed by someone yelling.

Munkustrap sighed, "I'd better see what that's about. You come up some more pick-up lines and I'll see you later."

%%%

Later that day came the moment Alonzo was dreading. Munkustrap was sitting with Cassandra on the trunk of the old car watching some of the kittens play-fight. As soon as he saw him, Munkustrap beaconed Alonzo to come over. 

Alonzo briefly thought about turning around and acting as if he hadn't seen Munkustrap, but it was too late. "Alonzo, come here," Cassandra called. He wouldn't be able to pretend that he hadn't heard her.

Approaching slowly, Alonzo couldn't think of any way out of this situation. He regretted that he hadn't sought Munkustrap out earlier to correct his misunderstanding of the situation. Now it was too late. How could he tell Munkustrap that he was not interested in Cassandra while Cassandra was right there?

As soon as he was close enough, Munkustrap grabbed Alonzo by the shoulder and maneuvered him up onto the car, between himself and Cassandra. 

"Munk says you have something to ask me," Cassandra said.

"Yes, sure. How are you doing, Cass?"

"I'm fine. And yourself?"

"I'm fine, too."

Nobody said anything for a full 30 seconds. 

"Cassandra and I were talking about the upcoming Ball. About how fun the Ball is, but how much nicer it might be to go with a date," Munukstrap finally said. 

"Yes", said Cassandra. "Munkustrap was saying that."

Yet again, no one said anything for a long, rather uncomfortable moment. And again Munukstrap broke the silence. "Cassandra said she is not going to the Ball with anyone in particular."

"Oh, okay," Alonzo said.

Munkustrap leaned over to whisper in Alonzo's ear. "Say one of your pick-up lines. Now's the perfect time." 

Unable to think about anything except the way Munkustrap's breath ruffled the fur around his ear, Alonzo said the first line he could think of.

"Do you have a map? I just keep getting lost in your eyes."

Alonzo belatedly realized that he was looking at Munkustrap as he said this. Munkustrap did not seem to realize this and looked over to Cassandra to get her reaction. Cassandra looked at them both for a moment. "Munkustrap, can I talk to Alonzo alone for a minute?"

"Absolutely. You two have fun," Munkustrap tried to wink at Alonzo. It was more of an awkward blink than a wink, but Alonzo was used to that particular quirk of Munkustrap's and it always made his heart beat double-time. 

Alonzo stared after Munkustrap as he hopped down from the car and joined a few of the older cats who were nearby supervising the kittens.

Cassandra cleared her throat to get his attention back on her. "Alonzo, was Munkustrap just inviting me to a threesome with you two?"

"No. Everlasting Cat, no. He's trying to help me flirt with you."

"Why are you trying to flirt with me instead of with him? Emphasis on trying, because neither of you were successful."

"He caught me trying out some pick-up lines and assumed I was going to use them on you."

Cassandra laughed. "That's unfortunate. Why did he think you were interested in me?"

"I really don't know. Probably because we spend a lot of time together."

"What, you can't appreciate my good company without wanting to mate with me. When exactly are you planning to tell him you've fallen in love with him?"

"I have to make sure to do it right. He's the future Leader of the tribe. There needs to be a certain art, an elegance, to asking him to the Ball."

"Well, I don't think a pick-up line will cut it."

"I know. I'm still working on it. It would be easier if I just knew whether he felt the same way."

Alonzo left to go to his den and Cassandra decided to clear a few things up with Munkustrap. She gestured for him to come back over to the car. Once he was settled, Cassandra wasted no time correcting his misconception. "Munkustrap, Alonzo and I are not going to the Ball together. I do not like him that way."

Munkustrap looked shocked, but before he could say anything, Cassandra continued. "He also doesn't like me that way. We're just friends."

"Oh. I thought-" Munkustrap started.

"I know. He likes someone else."

"Who?" Munukstrap asked. 

"Munk, if Alonzo hasn't already told you, I won't either. It's not my secret to tell." 

"You're right. I wouldn't want you to betray his trust like that." 

Cassandra sighed in a put-upon way and said "Well, I suppose I can give you a hint. The cat Alonzo is in love with is very responsible and could stand to loosen up a little bit. Do you understand?" 

Munkustrap appeared thoughtful for a moment before nodding. "Yes. Yes, thank you, Cassandra. I think I know who you mean." 

%%%

The next day, Alonzo was exhausted. He had not gotten much sleep trying to plan how to tell Munkustrap that he was not interested in Cassandra. Unfortunately, as soon as he saw him, Munkustrap approached. 

"I didn't get to talk to you before you went to your den last night. Let's grab some breakfast and talk."

"Alright."

Munkustrap led Alonzo back to his den where he had a bag of cat treats he had managed to sneak out of his human house. As they settled into their meal, Munkustrap spoke. "Cassandra told me that you aren't interested in her."

"Yeah, I'm not." Maybe Alonzo had been worrying about nothing after all.

"I'm sorry about trying to set you two up then. I really thought you liked her."

"We're friends, but that's all."

"Yeah. She said you were interested in someone else."

"Did she tell you who?"

"No, she wouldn't tell me, but she hinted a bit. I think I know who it is."

"And is that okay with you?" Alonzo's mind was racing. He was holding his breath waiting for an answer.

"It's unexpected, I suppose, but yeah," Munkustrap said to Alonzo's delight. 

Munkustrap continued, "I think you two will be good together."

Alonzo's mind came to a complete and sudden halt. 

"I understand why you were worried about her asking her to the Ball. She's probably already planning on spending most of it with her brother and might not want to have an actual date."

"Who are you talking about?"

"Tantomile. That's who you're interested in, right?"

"No. No offense to Tantomile, but I don't want to date her."

"Well, if it's not Cassandra and it's not Tantomile, can you tell me who it is?"

Alonzo practically whispered "You." 

"Yes, can you tell me?"

"I have to go." Alonzo rushed off. That had turned out worse than he imagined.

%%%

"Cassandra, I just tried to tell Munk and it did not go well," Alonzo said before even bothering to say hello. 

"Tell me exactly what you said."

"He asked me who it was and I said it was him. He didn't understand."

"I thought he figured out it was him last night when I talked to him about it."

"Well, this morning he thought it was Tantomile."

Cassandra stared at him. "How is he so oblivious? Also, how are you so bad at this? You're usually much better at getting cats to go out with you."

"I'm not just asking him to come to my den for a night, I'm asking him to come with me on a date. To the Ball. That's a much bigger deal."

"Yeah, it is. Shall I talk to him again for you?"

%%%

Munkustrap and Skimbleshanks were discussing something, but frankly, Cassandra did not think it was nearly as important as what she needing to discuss with Munkustrap.

"Munkustrap, I need to speak with you."

"Go, go. I have other things I need to get to anyway," Skimbleshanks waved Munukstrap away.

"Munk, It's not Tantomile and it's not me."

"I know. Alonzo said that. I still don't know who it is or why he won't just tell me. I want to help him."

"I do too. That's why I'm going to give you another hint."

"Please."

"The cat Alonzo likes is smart. At least, they are usually smart. Apparently they can also be a bit dense. They're also fairly graceful."

"That makes sense. Alonzo is smart and graceful. He would want someone who can keep up with him."

"Yeah, Alonzo is graceful," Cassandra conceded. "So, have you figured it out?"

"Bombalurina."

"What? No. What made you think it was Bombalurina?"

"Well, you said graceful and she's a good dancer. She's smart, but boy can she be dense about Tugger."

"Alright, well, it's not her."

"How about another clue?" Munkustrap asked.

"This is the last one I'm giving you. Strong, okay, think about which cats are strong."

"Strong, smart, and graceful. Yes, how could I have been so blind? Thank you, Cassandra, I owe you."

%%%

Demeter may not have ever been directly told, but she could read cats well enough to know that Munkustrap liked Alonzo. She was also fairly close to Munukstrap and considered him a friend. She was therefore unsurprised when Munukstrap asked for her opinion. "Demeter, what do you think of Alonzo?"

"Of you and Alonzo?" Demeter asked.

"No, not me. Just Alonzo, as a partner for the Ball," Munukstrap explained.

Demeter didn't consider herself the best cat to ask for relationship advice, given how poorly her last relationship with Macavity had gone. "Right, he'd be a good choice. You should ask him." 

"You want me to ask him?"

"...Yes," Demeter said. "Don't you want to ask him?"

"Well, I thought maybe you would want to talk to him?"

"Why me?"

"Well, you're just so graceful and pretty and smart. Not to mention strong. After what you went through, to be able to get yourself out of that situation, you're the strongest cat I   
know."

"Munkustrap, I think I'm confused. Are...are you hitting on me? Because I'm flattered, but I'm going to have to say no. Is that okay?" It had taken her some time, but she thought she was about ready to think about a relationship again and she had a particular red-furred cat in mind.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't- I think I'm confused too." 

%%%

Munukstrap found himself again going to Cassandra for help. He thought he saw her sitting with Alonzo just a minute ago, but somehow Alonzo was gone and it was just Cassandra by the time he got to her. "I just don't get it. If Alonzo is not interested in you or Tantomile or Bomba or Demeter, who is it? It's not Rumpleteazer, is it? One of your hints was definitely 'responsible'." 

"Munk, you are not this oblivious. Think through everything I've told you. I've given you so many hints." Cassandra was getting frustrated and strongly considering just walking away and leaving Alonzo and Munkustrap to their own devices.

"Yes, I know, this cat is responsible, intelligent, graceful, strong... It's not one of the queens is it? Alonzo likes a tom?" 

"Yes, Munkustrap, finally!" 

%%%

Tugger hadn't been to the junkyard much in the past few days. As usual, he did things on his own schedule and had felt like spending time with his humans. Now, he wanted to be around the other cats, so here he was.

Mistoffelees had promised to meet him soon, so Tugger was just lounging outside of his den. Munkustrap happened to pass by and diverted to talk to him. "Tugger, welcome back. How are your humans?"

"They're well enough. Planning for the Ball going alright? It's tomorrow."

"Actually Tugger, now that you're here I could use your help," Munukstrap looked around a bit furtively to make sure they were alone. "You see, I have this friend who wants to ask another cat to be his partner at the Ball, but he doesn't know how to tell them. I've been trying to help him, but it hasn't gone so well. You're good at this sort of thing." 

"Ah, a friend, I see. Munkustrap, you know, you don't have to lie to me. As your brother, I will gladly help you get a mate. Who's the lucky cat?"

"No, it's not for me. I'm trying to help a friend of mine."

"Who is this friend?" Tugger tried to think of which male cat Munkustrap would refer to as a friend who wasn't already mated. Alonzo was the most likely suspect, but Alonzo was the second-most suave tom in the tribe (Tugger himself was the first-most, of course). He wouldn't need Munukstrap's help to ask another cat out. 

"I think it would be better for me to keep that secret. I said I'd be subtle about the whole thing," Munukstrap said

Tugger did not believe Munukstrap at all, but figured he would just go along with it for now. "Alright, alright, fine, we're helping your friend. Tell me then, who is this cat that your friend so desires." 

"It's Coricopat." 

Tugger liked Coricopat enough, really he did, but this was a very unexpected answer. "Really? Coricopat?" 

"Yes, Coricopat." 

"Straps. Look, I don't have anything against the cat, but are you sure Coricopat is who you want?" 

"Yes, Coricopat is responsible and smart. He's strong and graceful and handsome. He's definitely the one." 

"Well, alright," Tugger said. Mistoffelees was coming toward them now. "I'll help you with this. Let me think about it for a few hours and get back to you."

"Thanks, Tugger." Munkustrap clapped his hand on Tugger's shoulder, nodded at Mistoffelees, and continued on his way.

"What was that about?" Mistoffelees asked. 

"Straps is in love with Coricopat and asked for my help telling him." 

"With Coricopat? I thought Munk liked Alonzo" 

"Yep," Tugger agreed. "I thought so too, but he was very clear. He's in love with Coricopat."

%%%

Tugger had come up with several good opening lines and strategies for Munkustrap to say to Coricopat and helped Munkustrap rehearse them. He settled onto a high point in the junkyard, still close enough to listen in, to watch where Coricopat was draped over the tire, enjoying the sun. Tantomile and Cassandra were chatting nearby. Cassandra was gesturing and both looked amused. When the queens saw him, he winked at them before directing his attention back to Coricopat.

Unfortunately, he had somehow missed both Munkustrap and Alonzo showing up on the tire. Earlier Tugger had run into Alonzo and asked if he was aware that Munkustrap was asking Coricopat to the Ball. Alonzo hadn't known and, like Tugger, had been surprised that it was Coricopat. Tugger had needed to walk away from Alonzo after being asked multiple times if he was sure. 

Now Tugger hoped Munkustrap wasn't about to chicken out due to Alonzo's presence, but it looked like things were going well. Munkustrap had gotten Coricopat's attention and was talking to him. 

Scratch that. Things would have been going well if Munkustrap didn't keep talking about Alonzo. What the heck was he doing?

Tugger figured that at this point, he had no choice, he was going to have to intervene, so he jumped down and inserted himself into the conversation. "Hey guys, what's going on? Wow, Munkustrap, your fur looks so soft and shiny in this light, don't you think so too, Cori?" 

Munkustrap seemed unable to take a compliment and drew the conversation back to Alonzo. Tugger meanwhile continued to bring up Munkustrap's good points until Munkustrap began to look annoyed. 

"Tugger, please leave," Munkustrap hissed.

"Excuse me, I am just trying to help you."

"It's okay Munkustrap. Tugger's right," Alonzo said.

Munkustrap looked back and forth between Alonzo and Tugger a couple of times before turning to Coricopat and continuing to talk up Alonzo.

Coricopat, who had been silent this whole time, spoke up. "Alright, as funny as this might be, I think it's time for Tugger and I to leave."

While it was very common for cats to fall in love with him, Tugger didn't plan on seducing the cat his brother was currently in the middle of asking out. "Cori, I think you might have gotten the wrong idea," Tugger said. "It's Munkustrap who you should be leaving with. He's the one who's asking you to the Ball."

"What?" said Munkustrap. "No, it's Alonzo who wants to go to the Ball with you." 

"No, Tugger told me that you were asking Coricopat to the Ball, Munkustrap," Alonzo said. 

"Tugger, I told you I wasn't asking for me. I don't like Coricopat that way."

"Well then, who do you like?" Tugger asked.

"Alonzo. I like Alonzo," Munkustrap answered immediately

"I like you too," Alonzo finally admitted.

"And that's my cue to leave. Come on, Tugger," Coricopat said, leading Tugger to Tantomile and Cassandra who were still nearby and definitely had been listening in.

%%%

After clearing the whole misunderstanding up, Munkustrap and Alonzo retired to Alonzo's den. Laying together cuddling was nice. "Munkustrap, you're usually not that oblivious. How did it take you so long to figure it out? I know Cassandra kept giving you hints."

"I don't know. I think I just got it into my head that you wanted to be mates with Cassandra and I had no chance with you. Then when I found out it wasn't her, I never stopped to consider it might have been me after all," Munkustrap said. "But I think the real question is: did you actually think using a pick-up line would work on me?"

"Let's try it and see," Alonzo cleared his throat. "Munkustrap, if you were words on a page, you'd be the fine print. Emphasis on fine."

Alonzo wiggled his hips and they both laughed.

"Alonzo, I want our love to be like the number Pi: irrational and never-ending."

"That sounds like my type of pie. So, will you come to the Ball with me?"

"The Ball!" Munkustrap leaped up with his fur standing on end. "It's tomorrow and I still have work to do! I was so focused on finding you a date."

"Well, that's one thing to cross off your list. Come on, I'll help with whatever you need."


End file.
